64. Everything Changes

Jan - Hi Sylvia-Rose. I couldn’t see you as I walked along the beach. I thought you had gone.

 

SR - I guess I will be one day. Everything changes.

Jan - Don’t I know it. Sorry, it has been a while. It is a mixture of working hard, I hate using the word ‘hard’ for something I love, I guess working with passion! And Bad weather. It is great to be sitting by your side again.

 

SR - Well, it has been the same old, same old for me How have you been doing? You seem to have a spring in your step.

Jan - I guess I do. I knew you would ask me that question so I was thinking about that on my way here. I realised I was feeling happy. I have felt it for a while. The weather; obviously, helps today but there was a day when the weather wouldn’t have made a difference. And I didn’t believe Happiness was for me anymore.

 

SR - Happy. That is great. What does that feel like?

Jan - It feels richer than before. It isn’t ‘jumping about with not a care in the world’ kind of happiness. It is a feeling resonating inside, around my heart and gut.

 

SR - That is where they say Happiness is.

Jan - I have heard that. I have also completely stopped eating sugar and drinking alcohol. It has been ten days now and I will go to Christmas before I have a treat. I am feeling much better, emotionally and physically.

 

SR - That is great to hear. I know how food and alcohol have played a challenging part in this journey for you.

Jan - It has but it is no longer my master. Now that I have stopped, I observe my body and recognise the time I would give in and accept food and drink like a drug to help me escape the pain. The other day, I had a great day, met lovely people, and made a fun video. I was not expecting to feel anxious, yet while I worked at my computer, I felt my body begin to shake and feel heavy. I decided to fight it. I knew this was a sign to give in. I almost did. But at the same moment, as I was about to go to the shop, I messaged a close friend to see if he could chat. I thought I might be able to chat it out. He wasn’t quite ready to talk. He would be ten minutes. That ten minutes could ruin everything, so once again, I made a different decision, I put my coat on and went for a walk.

 

SR - Great idea. Walking is the best medicine.

Jan - It certainly is. I remember locking my door and as I walked through my garden gate, I realised I hadn’t decided where I would walk. I remembered it was my intention to have a go at curling, so I took my stressed and anxious body, against its will, to the North West Castle Hôtel which is famous for curling, to get more information. I could have gone on the internet but I needed to be brought out of the stress space by connecting with other people. On the way back my friend called and we had a fun conversation instead. I wasn’t in denial I was taking action.

 

SR - That sounds like you are using your power to claim back your happiness.

Jan - That is one way of looking at it. It is a strange experience. Unique is probably a better word. As you know, I have always been in search of the right word to describe the grief experience. It isn’t something to ‘get over’ nor a time in your life you will ‘get through’. The word that has worked for me for a while has been ‘transition’ but now I think there is even more to it than that.

 

SR - What is that?

Jan - I have given this a lot of thought and reached deep within to understand this life experience and the best way to live this. Then as I got out of bed the other morning, it came to me.

 

SR - Go on.

Jan - When you lose a loved one or a job you love or get divorced, it doesn’t matter the experience that rocks your world, at that time your whole being and life experience is reconstructed. That is so different than ‘emerging’ or ‘transitioning’, though I believe those are part of the journey. And I don’t like the word ‘journey’ either as that implies there is a destination. There isn’t. This is all part of your whole. I need to go. The tide is coming in. I will come back soon and we can continue this conversation.

 

SR - We must. It was just getting started.

Jan - I know. I will leave you to think that through and we can have a good chat. I will get back over the weekend. Love You.

 

SR - You too. Go before you get wet.

Jan - Will do. You are looking fab, by the way.

 

SR - Get outta here, crazy woman. See you soon. I am intrigued by where this is going.

Jan - Me too. Bye!!!