29. Returning to the physical world

SR - Glad you are back safe. Did you get stuck?

 

Jan - I had to clamber over a few rocks and dodge a few waves but that was OK. Any later, though and I would have had to sit a section of it out in a fallen tree.

SR - That would be fine in the summer. Perhaps not in January.

 

Jan - I guess not.

SR - How are you, anyway? I sense some urgency.

 

Jan - I am not sure it is urgent, I just feel all at sixes and sevens. I am not sure where that saying comes from but you could say I also feel discombobulated. No idea who made that up, either!

SR - Your language is so complicated.

 

Jan - I think it expresses perfectly how I feel. I am feeling lost, disconnected and wondering in my mind, and my body follows my mind. This doesn't feel conducive to finding happiness though.

SR - Come, Jan, you know you don't 'find' happiness, you 'be' happiness. It is within you. The problem lies in always believing that happiness is somehow, 'up', 'bouncy' and always smiling and never saying anything in the tone of sadness. Really? Is that true? Blimey, is that even possible? Is that what true living is all about?

 

Jan - So many questions!

SR - Perhaps how you feel is something that is simply on the 'Happiness' path, the path of living.

 

Jan - Maybe. Perhaps I just need to be patiently discombobulated for a while.

SR - That sounds about right. Patience isn't your strong point.

 

Jan - You are getting to know me too well.

SR - Has anything, in particular, caused your discombobulation? That is a tough one to say!

 

Jan - It was a full moon last night, the wolf moon, apparently.

SR - The wolf moon? Intriguing?

 

Jan - It is just the name given to the first full moon of the year. We had another 'sister circle' evening at my house. Remember when I felt enlightened from the last one, with seeing the cloud of depression disappear and the black ball of pain melt away into the glowing light of love?

SR - Yes. That made a real difference to you. I saw you truly smiling and felt a change in your energy.

 

Jan - It did. Last night was nothing like that. Don't get me wrong, it was amazing to tap into mystical energy with a group of like-minded women. These women are fabulous. They have such beautiful, open hearts.

SR - It sounds like that is what you need. How could that go wrong?

 

Jan - I guess nothing really goes wrong. It didn't go wrong. Maybe I was expecting another bolt of lightning to create more peace and joy in my heart. The problem is, since the beginning of the year, I have felt cut off from my Spirit source. I feel a lot less connected to Murray. It is as though I am now alone, just me, trapped in this body to sort my life out.

SR - Does anyone actually sort their life out?

 

Jan - Perhaps not. It looks like some people do but then you never get to know what is really going on under someone's skin. This year will be three years since Murray's last laugh, last meal, last walk with a friend, last hug from his parents, brother, and sister. It is becoming real. So far, I have been searching for him. I guess somewhere inside I thought I would find him. I don't think that is true now.

 

When I expressed this last night, one of the women, a lovely caring woman, empathised with what I said and then hit me with words of reality. She said, 'Yes', nodding her head as she looked me in the eye, 'you have to find a way to live in this physical world now.' That is the reality, Sylvia-Rose. My greatest challenge is imagining that reality. I am advised by caring people, to just be in the moment. The problem is, my present moment hurts but so does using my imagination to plan an exciting future without my son being in that vision and I mean really, physically, being in that vision. He may well always be with me, but somehow that just doesn't square it with my heart.

SR - Ah, Jan. I hear you. I can't do anything though.

 

Jan - No. No one can, no one except me. I must learn to let go of my son, and I really don't want to do that. Maybe this is the year I stop sleeping with his teddy, Snowy. The year I dispose of his ashes and lay him to rest. Perhaps that will allow my heart to rest. I really have no idea.

SR - I wouldn't rush any of that. Only make those changes when you feel it is the right thing to do in your heart.

 

Jan - My heart wants to hold on to him though. Forever. I don't believe living like this is helping anyone, not me, Murray, Lewis, Iona, my family, or friends.

SR - They all have patience with you, Jan.

 

Jan - I must join this real world soon. I will go broke and crazy if I don't.

Lianne takes a beautiful meditation in the Sister Circle. We all lay on the floor, covered in our blankets. Last night, I was covered in the yellow fleece blanket my sister, Lynn, gave me for comfort when I lost Murray. The meditation starts in the woods. I find it easy to see trees in my mind. I love them. There is always a tree that lowers a branch towards me and scoops me up to embrace me. Last night, one tree passed me on to another as I traveled through the woods. Each time I was passed from tree to tree I was placed higher and higher until I came to the final tree. I was placed on the top branch of the highest tree where Murray sat waiting for me. It was so wonderful to see him. He was in jeans and a shirt and I wore a floating white dress. We sat together, smiling. He took my hand and we flew over a wonderful expanse of water casting shadows in the shimmering of the moon's light. We swam for a while and we played and splashed around. Laughing. I don't properly laugh anymore.

We used to hang out together, Murray and me. We both enjoyed the same things. I remember my last Easter with him in 2019. We had a family picnic at Dalkeith Country Park, near Edinburgh. The River Esk runs through the park. There is the most beautiful bridge with a waterfall. At the side is an archway with a muddy path. Murray and I went for a walk along the path and then climbed down to sit on some rocks that protruded in the river near the waterfall. We sat together and contemplated life. Oh, how I would have grasped that moment for longer had I had any idea it would be the last time we would sit in nature together.

 

Being with him in my imagination is my only way to capture any of those moments again but that isn't living in this real world. I feel I am living between two worlds, Sylvia-Rose. And to be honest, I prefer the other world. This world just seems to be a struggle to work things out and always strive to pay bills. It doesn't seem so much fun at the moment.

SR - Jan, perhaps you must pass through all of this to find your new reality. What is reality anyway? I understand you need to be more engaged in what living people are doing. I get that. That is where you will find your place and your friend is correct. You need to find a way to live in the physical world. I believe you will find that. Lean into it. Allow it to happen. I don't want you to be afraid of the physical world. You belong in it.

 

Jan - With Murray somewhere else, there is a part of me that will always be somewhere else. Murray was a PART of me. That is a fact and will never change. Maybe I have to stop thinking or think differently.

SR - That is quite possible. Perhaps you need some rituals that you do each day to keep you focused on the physical world?

 

Jan - That is the third time I have heard the word 'rituals' today. Coming to visit you is a ritual for me but you are not exactly in the physical world for me!

SR - Yes I am. I am a rock and I am physically here and I am always here for you. I will talk about anything with you.

 

Jan - Thank you. I guess the rock is physically here but you are part of my imagination. I need to be in the physical real world.

SR - Isn't everything created from imagination?

 

Jan - Blimey, you are getting deep on me now. Yes, you are right.

SR - Perhaps your imagination is where you need to start. Perhaps it is time to imagine creating a purposeful future that may not physically have Murray in it but you are a strong woman, Jan. You can create a beautiful life with him influencing you.

 

You don't look convinced. I will leave that one with you... How are you getting on with your cold water therapy?

 

Jan - Ha ha!!! I have been committed to it. I have days with no central heating and sleeping with my window wide open, plus cold showers before bed. I believe they help me sleep deeper and longer. Not eight hours yet but I feel the quality of my sleep is better.

SR - That sounds good. Keep going if it is working. Perhaps that is one of your rituals?

 

Jan - Good idea. I like it. Not that I really 'like' the cold shower. When I turn the shower on, I feel my body cowering and saying 'you are kidding, not again!'. 'It is for the best', I tell my body, as I drag it kicking and screaming into the pouring water!.

Yesterday, my friend and I went in the sea. It was so cold it felt like being stabbed all over with tiny sharp pins. Quite an interesting sensation, really. Hopefully, the positive effect will take place soon. I am not sitting in the cold at the moment though. I needed a warm hug so I put my heater on! Sorry, Wim!! (Hoff)

SR - It sounds good but you really must follow what feels right. Keep leaning into change. You have made so many changes recently, sit in them a while before you go on to the next one.

 

Jan - That sounds like good advice.

SR - Always

 

Jan - I think it is time for me to go now. I have a lovely neighbour, Betty (my adopted mum) who has invited me for tea and cake.

SR - You enjoy that. Everyone should have a Betty. You are surrounded by great people. Absorb their energy. Everyone is cheering you on. Don't worry if you fall, they will pick you up.

 

Jan - Thanks, Sylvia-Rose. I don't know if I feel better or not.

SR - It takes time. Stop expecting a magic wand to suddenly flick a switch to reveal a perfect life with no pain and sadness. It doesn't exist. Happiness is not absent from sadness it is just that sometimes one emotion is more dominant than the other. You'll see.

 

Jan - I really must go. I could talk to you forever but I have to pay attention to that physical world, remember???

SR - Bye Jan, I appreciate your visits. You are helping me too you know.

 

Jan - I am not sure how but that is good to know. Bye for now. I will come by soon when it is safer.

SR - You do that