22. Christmas after the loss of a loved one

SR - Wonderful. Murray Christmas to you.

 

Jan - It is so mild, calm, and peaceful. The Loch is like a millpond. The sound is quite surreal. This is my Christmas gift. I am going to absorb all the natural sounds.

SR - It is definitely a gift to you. Isn’t it wonderful to feel calm? And breathe. Yes. Breathe.

 

Jan - We never know when our last one is. Isn’t that the truth?

Watching the final of Strictly last night, AJ Odudu, who injured her foot and was unable to take part in the final, said how she and her dance partner, Kai, agreed from the beginning they would dance every dance as if it were their last because you never know when your last dance is. I never knew that the last time I saw Murray would be the last time. How amazing life would be if we did everything as if it were the last time. If we laughed and loved with friends and lovers as if it were the last time. If we danced and worked and just showed up in the supermarket or in a queue at the post office as if it were our last.

 

The last time I saw Murray was dropping him off at Huddersfield train station on 30th June, to return to Edinburgh. On my tippy toes, I reached up for a hug before he left. He walked away, throwing his big red backpack casually over his shoulder, turning said, ‘Love you momma.’ ‘I love you too, son. Text me when you get back.’ Those were my last words to him. Said with love and we had had a lovely day. I made him his last Sunday Roast dinner with Yorkshire pudding and my famous gravy. I could never make enough gravy. With this enlightened view, we both would have shown up even more in each moment.

 

I am going to show up with even more joy, peace, and love for Iona, Lewis, and Murray this Christmas and all the other days of the year.

 

SR - Bravo! Living with an appreciation of the impermanence of life will make you braver and more courageous because why not? Why not live it all out? What have you got to lose?

Jan - Exactly. However, living full out doesn’t have to mean you exhaust yourself trying to achieve everything before you die. That would lead to being panicked and overwhelmed. Like you could hear the clock ticking. I am sitting here, with you, on this calm and peaceful Sunday morning. No care of the time. Just the tide I came to say thank you and wish you a Murray Christmas. From my world view, I am living full out. I am at peace and feel a deep sense of joy. This couldn’t be more beautiful. If my last breath came now, I would be happy with that. Don’t get me wrong! I don’t want that! But we never know when it is. Just like AJ says, dance like it’s your last dance. Breathe like it’s your last breath.

 

SR - I couldn’t say it better. I felt this all week from you.

Jan - It has been quite a week. I was asked recently what Financial freedom meant to me, the other day. I wasn’t able to come up with an answer because it always seems to lead to what kind of house do you want, what car? Those things don’t give you financial freedom. In fact, they cost money so you are always a slave to them. Financial freedom, to me, is having the time to sit peacefully in nature and have time with friends and family. That is it. And not worry about the bills. I don’t need much to be happy.

 

SR - And I am sure you will get that freedom. I feel wonderful things for you, Jan. They won’t overwhelm you. They will deepen your sense of purpose, joy, and peace.

Jan - Thank you. Thank you for your support and for listening to me. I appreciate these trips to come and see you. It will be January before I get here again.

 

SR - Have a wonderful time away. Keep the joy and peace in your heart.

Jan - You too. Be good. Don’t get up to mischief while I am away

 

SR - You are too funny. See you soon.