46. A visit from Murray

Jan - Yes. I ate a wee bit of chocolate today, so decided to walk it off

 

SR - I thought you weren’t having any until Easter Sunday.

Jan - I know but I joined my friends and their gorgeous children in an early Easter Egg hunt. It was just a couple of wee ones. My egg for next week is waiting patiently in the fridge

 

SR - I am sure you will enjoy that all the more after the wait.

Jan - Yep. Delayed gratification. I wanted to tell you about a dream I had this morning with Murray. I know it was morning because I woke at 6.30 and knowing the tide was in and it was Sunday, I decided to roll over and rest. I didn’t expect to sleep but rolled straight Into a visit from Murray.

 

 

SR - Dreams can be wonderful things. How did it go?

Jan - He was about 3 or 4, snuggled up in his bunk bed wearing his favourite Tele Tubby Pyjamas. I knew he was dead. In real life I mean, not in the dream. In real life, when he was sleeping I would have left him asleep but knowing I was dreaming and that he wasn’t in my living world, I woke him up. He was very happy to see me. He wrapped his infant arms around my neck and I tickled him and we giggled. He scurried away from me to the other side of the bed and I squeezed and tapped his bottom, just as I used to do as he ran away. We were both enjoying being together and we both knew it would end. He was very real, three-dimensional.

 

SR - How did you feel when you woke up?

Jan - I felt really happy. I know that could go the other way and leave me sad and wanting him but it didn’t. I thought about that later and it occurred to me, that I have now created a new memory of him. I only have old memories of his physical life. My dream wasn’t based on a memory, it was a new story. I was with him at a different moment. When you lose someone and you never get to share memories again it hurts. When it is your child, that REALLY hurts. You have to face that fact. These past few months, I have faced that and embraced it. Now I get new memories in my dreams. Honestly, you will hold on to anything if it means you can still have an existence with your loved one.

 

SR - That is a very powerful story and a unique way of looking at it.

Jan - I wouldn’t say I am consciously looking at it that way and trying to make myself feel better. What I have shared is exactly how it was. It was in my life, a real-life experience. Just because it happened when my brain was in a sleep state doesn’t seem to make it any less real. I just can’t take a photo to show anyone else. This photo here is from when he was roughly the age he appeared. That was the cute face I saw, kissed, and laughed with. I hope he shows up again tonight.

 

SR - Maybe surrender that thought. You know what happens when you try to make things happen.

Jan - Exactly. He will show up again. We will both laugh and dance again. It will just have to be in my dreams. He is often in my imagination. In fact, he is always there. I talk to him everywhere. I hear his cheeky comments and we laugh. Am I going mad?

 

SR - Who cares! It is great to see you embracing this.

Jan - It is. I was surprised by how joyful I felt when I woke up. It was just great to see him. I better go. The tide is on its way in. No doubt I will see you sometime tomorrow.

 

SR - Sleep well

Jan - I know what you are saying. Good night yourself. I hope this sea starts to warm up soon.

 

SR - Me too!!! Brrrrr…..