SR - Hey, how are you doing? I saw your legs dazzling me as you walked across the beach!
Jan - Very funny. Yes. The first day of shorts in the summer is always a shock. It is an amazing day.
 
SR - It is. The sun is so warm and comforting. I haven’t seen you for a while again. Have you been busy?
Jan - I have. I am getting ready to start my job on Monday and preparing for Murray’s 25th birthday next weekend. It is a small celebration. I am strong but not strong enough to gather lots of people. I hope those who know him will have their reflection celebration for him.
 
SR - That would be nice. I am sure you will have a lovely time together and you will embrace Murray’s love.
Jan - We will be doing that. It has been quite a journey. A journey I never thought would happen to me. It is still a surprise he isn't with us. I think it will always be like this.
 
SR - I guess people never think bad things will happen to them until they do.
Jan - No. And I guess that is how it should be but why are we surprised when they do? Why do we not accept things more easily? I read a post on Facebook, saying ‘Grief comes in three stages, the beginning, the middle and the rest of your life.’ I think there are other stages. Mum died ten years ago but I don’t still grieve her and dad twenty-eight years ago. I miss them but it is part of life and part of growing up. It will happen to all of us if we are fortunate to outlive them. We learn and grow with each grief in life, if we open our hearts to the journey.
 
SR - Not everyone does that.
Jan - They don’t and I guess that is what the ‘part three’ of this post means. I understand the possibility of these three parts. Depending on the severity of the loss, that is a personal thing. What may seem not so bad to me could be devastating to someone else. We all walk life in our own shoes. In fact, one of the comments in the post was criticising a woman who a few months ago lost her only daughter. She was told by a friend, who had also lost a daughter but had two more children plus grandchildren, that her grief was unhealthy and she should ‘get over’ this now.
 
SR - I think I would be recategorising that friendship!
Jan - I would be questioning that too. However, she is commenting from the perspective of her experience but not taking into consideration that this woman had lost her whole family, not just her daughter but all future children. That is the thing about losing children. The grief and loss goes beyond the child. I guess that will be forever.
 
SR - What would your three stages be?
Jan - That is a great question. I have realised, finally, that suffering is a choice. I had an enlightened moment in the car the other day when this power truly came into my consciousness.
 
SR - I am intrigued. There are no wisdom classes so enlightenment can drop in anytime, anyplace, anywhere! Like a Martini!
Jan - Maybe we call them a Martini moment 😀
 
SR - So what was your Martini moment?
Jan - Music has the power to transport you back in time and music and lyrics conjure up images in your mind. Well, my mind. I was driving along a tree-lined road in Yorkshire listening to the radio and Van Morrison’s ‘Have I Told You Lately That I Love You’ was played. It is a beautiful song. Immediately, I was transported to happier times when all three children were small, I was happily married and decorating our new house in Halifax. I could see myself painting the walls peach in the living room and listening to this song. I recall thinking how I never wanted anything to spoil what I had. I never shared this thought. The lesson here is when you think of a joyful thought, share it!
 
SR - That sounds like a beautiful moment too.
Jan - It was and I am grateful for it but listening to the song on the radio and being transported back after all that has happened, I began to cry. Amazingly, I snapped myself back to the moment and I realised I had a choice. I could suffer and keep listening to the song feeling sad or turn the radio off and get on with the moment that I had, which was a great moment. So, I reached over to the on/off button and gently turned it off, and said ‘Thank you for the memory’. I smiled and then got on with my day. I truly felt in control.
 
SR - So if you can do it in that situation you can do it in any.
Jan - Exactly! I believe the secret sauce is to do it with love and gratitude. Then be aware of coming into the moment. Without this secret sauce, bitterness and anger can build up. We all have memories of times when we have been hurt or things didn’t go to plan. Everything brings you to your present moment and you can’t change your present moment. Thank you, really is the only word.
 
SR - You never said what your three stages of grief would be.
Jan - Oh yes, I got sidetracked. I would say:
1. The beginning - You are blasted apart and this is the start of a whole new, unrecognisable part of your life emerging. It is also very personal. No one shares ‘your’ loss. When I speak to people and they try to help me make sense of this and ease my pain, as my heart hurts, I think ‘But you didn’t lose MY son. You didn’t lose the relationship I had with him. No one really understands no matter how much they want to or say they do. So in the beginning, you are on your own but you are meant to be. This is where your courage seeds are being sown.
2. The middle - this is where the light is starting to penetrate the darkness. This is where your injuries and emotional bruises from the invisible battering you have just had started to ease off. You begin to wake up to your new reality and gain some strength.
3. Indomitable determination to live life fully - I believe the greatest gift from loss is the slap in the face that you won’t be alive forever. If death doesn’t wake you up to living fully, taking risks, and being grateful for all life has to offer, good and bad, then the person, animal, or situation, was wasted.
 
SR - That would be very sad.
Jan - It definitely would. C.S Lewis wrote, in the book A Grief Observed, 'the pain now is part of the happiness then. That is the deal.' This is so very true but I also feel 'the pain now is part of the happiness now'. They are inseparable. Grief is love turned inside out. Knowing this, the griever can pull out every speckle of love from the loss and grow from there. Love is our superpower. There is nothing stronger, more courageous, and more beautiful than love. Take a look at what love leaves behind and then take a look at what hate leaves behind, then you will see the power of love.
 
SR - Wow. I wasn’t expecting that.
Jan - Me neither. I got on a roll!!! 😂
It makes sense to me and that has been my experience so far. The forever part of the Facebook post could be that the love is with you forever as the grief transforms into love. 
 
SR - Yes. The thought of the pain of grief being with you forever is quite unbearable but who wouldn’t want love with them forever?
Jan - Exactly. I think the choice of words used to describe how you feel is very important. The word 'grief' has a heaviness to it and 'love' feels lighter and holds joy and peace within it. Words have power and can create different outcomes.
 
SR - Yes. The power of words. They can lift you or break you.
Jan - True. This has been a lovely chat but I must go. Time to celebrate the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee.
 
SR - Don’t eat too much cake 😂
Jan - I might have to break that rule 🥰 See you soon.
 
SR - Good luck on Monday if you don’t get the chance to pop by.
Jan - Thanks. See you soon. Xx
 
 
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