31. Life isn't always what you expect

Jan - Hi. Yes, I am I have a torch with me and the tide is on its way out. I was swimming in it earlier. Well, not swimming exactly, more run in, dip, then out. Apparently, it is good for healing the mind, body, and soul. I will let you know  Sorry about the other day. I needed to have quiet time and the space to reflect on the incidents that started my year. Not what I expected.

 

SR - Life isn’t always what you expect. Sometimes it is better, sometimes it is worse.

Jan - Very true. I want to heal now though. Without healing, I remain on red alert and can be triggered anytime. This isn’t good for me or my friends and family who show up for me.

 

SR - That can’t be easy for them but they must learn and grow with you. When you grieve it vibrates out to those you have the closest connections to. This means it hasn’t only happened to you, though you have taken the greatest hit.

Jan - Given that my friend couldn’t take anymore, it made me realise how challenging it might be to be my friend now, especially when it seems like only I realise the enormous change that was created within me. Because I don’t look different, other than long hair and a few extra pounds, people still see the old me. That was me with three grown children and a fairly settled heart. Settled enough for me to be able to get on with my life.

 

SR - This can’t be anything BUT a massive change in you. I would imagine you were blasted into a trillion tiny pieces.

Jan - You can’t imagine how that was. I didn’t believe I would ever put any part of me back together. There is something else that has occurred to me during this quiet time. When people ask how Iona and Lewis are doing, knowing there is a third of my family they don’t ask about, there is always a heavy weight in my gut. A sick feeling. On reflection, I see that may also be a challenge for them too. Perhaps more of an awkward feeling than a sick painful feeling. Perhaps that is why so many friends decide not to get in touch. They don’t know me anymore. Surprisingly, it is my new friends and my absolute gold friends who connect with me the most.

 

SR - That is both observant of you and considerate to give your friends and family that understanding.

Jan - I am not saying I know what to do with it other than I feel the need to take responsibility for my grief. It isn’t anyone else’s fault this happened to me. I don’t consciously feel angry but I think I hold anger in my body.

 

SR - This is traumatic grief, Jan. No doubt it has brought up other grief experiences too. Everything is connected, and as you say, the grief is not only in your mind as a thought, it is in your body. If there isn’t healing and acceptance along the journey of a person’s life, then I guess it is like a warehouse of fireworks. Only one needs to be set off but the rest will go off too, in time. Only a spark is required. If emotional pain isn’t dealt with by accepting, understanding, and nurturing yourself through self-care, then emotional pain will stay on red alert ready to react when triggered.

Jan - That is what happened in the cinema. I may not be able to resolve this friendship and it may not be the right thing to do either. That is fine. The purpose was to awaken me to this greater understanding.

 

SR - Do you feel at peace when you think that?

Jan - I do. I realise, as the old me was blasted apart and as the new me is transforming and emerging into my new self, I must keep my mind on the new too. There is no going back to the old. I think that is what I was doing by leaning on an old relationship. I think I was trying to find the old me. I looked for her. I tried to recreate her by laughing and doing stuff that the old me would do. Perhaps that was holding the new me back. It is not possible to walk into your future when you hold on to the past. Especially if you are holding on because it is familiar and safe. That isn’t how to move forward. I think I recognise that now. I needed the safety at the time, though, and I am very grateful for that.

 

SR - Good. I am glad you recognise that. It is true, that you can’t go forward and transition while holding onto the past. Set yourself free to embrace the new.

Jan - That does make me a little apprehensive because it means envisioning a future I know Murray won’t be in.

 

SR - That will take time but perhaps he will be but just not how you had hoped he would. We can work on that. For now, you need to resolve the grief you hold in your heart and body. We don’t know how long that will take. Now is your opportunity to release all your grief.

Jan - I have become so aware of that by having this alone time. It is very uncomfortable. The easiest thing is to keep busy working, cleaning, chatting, watching TV, eating, drinking, all those things we do that allow us to avoid the real thing that will make a difference and set us free to be happy.

I know I still have pain and grief with my dad from the trauma of him taking his life in 1994. You would think with more than two decades past that would be all gone. Then there is the grief of getting divorced. No one talks about that. A lot of forgiveness is required in both situations. I am working on that. As well as meditation, I am going to see a grief counselor.

 

SR - I am glad to hear that. It isn’t possible to do everything alone and you don’t have to.

Jan - No. I do recognise all this grief sits in my body, in each cell of my being. I am spending time nurturing my mind and body. Some people think I should just keep myself really busy so I don’t have time to think about it.

 

SR - I wouldn’t listen to those people. They probably have their healing to do that they are afraid to look at. You keep doing what you are doing. Other than going into the cold sea and having cold showers, what are you doing?

Jan - one thing I am getting healing with from my past is Ho’ oponopono. It is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. My friend, Lianne Brown introduced me to it. I do it morning and night plus meditations that balance my Chakras, and body scan meditations, and prepare me for experiencing positive and joyful days. I have also started my gratitude journal again. The challenge is to keep doing this when the heaviness of grief shows up.

 

SR - Hopefully, that will become less and less as you maintain this practice. You will be more prepared for future dips.

Jan - I hope so. When I get stronger and the healing seems to be making me more joyful and peaceful, we can talk about re-visioning my future.

 

SR - I look forward to it. You better get going. Have a peaceful evening.

Jan - You too