10. Finding the courage to start a new relationship

Jan - I did!! Morning, Sylvia-Rose. The goal was to visit you and be home for 9 am! Also, I am not sleeping well at the moment. One minute I am cold, the next hot. Blankets on. Blankets off!

 

SR - You are at that time of your life! I am so glad I am a rock 

Jan - Do you remember a few days ago we were talking about being brave?

 

SR - Yes.

Jan - I am having to be brave at the moment and there is one thing talking about it and another doing it!

 

SR - I am intrigued. What are you doing?

Jan - I have always known this was coming, I just didn’t know when I would feel ready. I don’t believe I am but time is slipping away. I need to put effort into finding a new relationship. It sounds so, so, anaesthetised. ‘Putting effort in!’ So, cold. Where did the days go where you just met someone at a dance, a bar, at work, or at the bus stop? I have to apply for one now online, like you apply for a passport!

 

SR - The modern world. I guess you don’t go to dances, the pub, work or even get a bus anymore! It is the way to at least start it. I understand you being brave. Approaching strangers isn’t easy at the best of times.

Jan - No. With every message, you put yourself out there for rejection. Checking every word, wondering how someone might receive it before you press send.

 

SR - Don’t overthink it. The right person is out there for you and it won’t be based on you choosing the wrong word.

Jan - that isn’t the only thing I am scared of, Sylvia-Rose. I am scared of my scars. I have many but this one is the biggest. Many people feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say when they find out I have lost a son. They put themselves in my shoes and would rather talk about anything else. I need to talk about Murray. It is the biggest part of me at the moment and maybe forever. I am also not sure how I can handle a stranger coming into my sorrow. I have played it safe with only people who have known me for a long time to be part of my world.

 

SR - I am here to encourage your bravery. It is time. Open your heart and a kind, loving man who has compassion and who is big enough to take this will come into your life. You must be open to receiving it.

Jan - This isn’t just about me. Anyone who is alone and has gone through life challenges feels afraid. It is so easy to shrink life. I never thought I would shrink my life.

 

SR - DON'T shrink your life. You have too much to give. Especially with Murray in your heart. He wants to give too and he can only do that through you and his family and friends. Love is a basic human need and, you both need it and deserve it!

Jan - Thank you. I don’t think it is about being told someone loves me. Love doesn’t need words. It is a tangible, invisible force that when you are loved, you feel it.

 

SR - Jan, you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be happy. You are beautiful. Inside and out. I want to see you out more. Focus on giving and then you will receive. You know this.

Jan - I do. Sometimes I don’t feel I have anything to give, though.

 

SR - Then on those days, don’t give, receive instead. Receive the beauty around you, the air you breathe, the smiles you encounter.

Jan - Thank you. I don’t pin my happiness on having a relationship. I see it as an addition. I create my happiness within my heart. I have gotten used to sadness walking beside my happiness.

 

SR - Yes. Those two can comfortably walk side by side. They can blend and complement each other in a true experience of life. You are going to do great. I feel it in my rock 

Jan - I better go. It is raining and I need to run now to get back for 9!

 

SR - See you tomorrow. I look forward to hearing the progress of your bravery.

Jan - Ok. Deep breath. See you tomorrow.