20. Transforming grief with an unexpected Enlightened moment

Taking the first one, I knew my vibration was being raised. I could feel an energy surge in my body. The card was titled ‘Raising your vibration’. I picked up the second card with the word ‘Expansion’. I guess that is what happens when your vibration is raised, your world is going to expand. The third one didn't make a great deal of sense at the time. 'Your Heart Knows' read the card I selected. It seemed a little general. 

SR - I am sure there will be an explanation. Those are very powerful experiences. You must have started to feel very different. What happened next? 

Me - This is the mind-blowing experience I wasn't expecting. It happened during a sitting meditation. On a cushion, legs crossed, back straight, hands faced up on my knees and open to receiving, I connected with the deeper part of myself. Sensing the need to gently move my upper body in a circle, I moved with a loving kindness for myself. It was as though I had to let go and release something from me. 

Do you remember when I told you I went to the Spiritualist in Glasgow? 

SR - Yes. You weren’t impressed. 

Me - No. I wasn’t. Something strange happened at my art class last week. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know what to make of it but it opened me to pay a little more attention to the things she said. When I was with her, she kept repeating that she saw me doing something creative. She was insisting on this. I said that I knit and I sew but I am not doing anything like that at the moment. She said it wasn’t that. It was definitely with my hands. She said, ‘I see you doing something with clay’. I never thought anything more about that as I hate getting my hands dirty Last week, as we were packing up, the art teacher shared her plans for the new year and said she wants us to experiment with new materials and in January she will bring Clay for us to be creative with. 

SR - Wow. I see how that might have you sit up and listen to what she said. 

Me - She also said, as she read my palm, that she saw depression (no surprise there!) She said that will pass and I will do fine. More than fine. 

SR - And you will. I can see that too. 

Me - It felt like it would be a long road, until last night as I gently moved my body with Lianne’s caring voice in the background, saying to ‘release that that doesn’t serve you’. I promise you, in my mind, or wherever this happened, depression rose up like a dark grey cloud. I could see it. It was its own, contained energy. I knew it was my choice to release it. I was excited to do that, so I did. Just like that. I said ‘thank you but you no longer serve me’. Off it went. 

SR - This is so beautiful, Jan. 

Me - There is more. The pain hadn’t left. I hear other parents in this club I have been forced to join, say how they can’t let go of the pain because that is the only connection they have to their son/daughter. I understand that. I felt the same. The pain is the love you have lost for that person and for your child the love is immense. We believe the love of our children is meant to protect them and we feel, somehow, we let them down by them dying before us. Life is filled with ‘if only’ and ‘it shouldn’t be like this’, kind of thoughts. 

SR - How do you feel about pain now? 

Me - Once the cloud of depression had burst and dispersed into the atmosphere, a black ball sat in front of me. I knew that was the pain and it was OK. It was OK because I knew that was not only my love for Murray but his love for me. It was enormously powerful and I knew I was being called to release it. I continued to gently move my body. It wasn’t with any urgency but with kindness. It was time for the love in this black ball of pain to be released. Perhaps this is where the second Angel card is relevant. I was being told my heart knows it is time to heal, time to grow. 

SR - I have goosebumps. If rocks can have goosebumps 

Me - I went deep with this and slowly the black shell of the ball melted away and the brightest light appeared and a dove flew out, sprinkling me and infusing every cell of my body with a golden light of infinite love. I knew, at that moment, I was free of pain and suffering. 

SR - I am hugging you and loving you. This is so powerful. 

Me - Quite a journey. After the meditation, I was drawn to select another card on the far side of the circle. It was ‘Enlightenment’. For me, this was an acknowledgment of what had happened. 

SR - That was truly an enlightened moment. I believe sharing that experience will enable others to find their enlightened moments too. 

Me - You never know when or where they will show up. 

SR - No. It is about keeping your heart open. Your heart was opened last night in the secure surroundings of your Sister Circle. What a blessing. 

Me - I feel very fortunate. However, I slept like a baby last night and my mum visited in a dream. I also woke with a joyful feeling but when I thought of Murray, and how much I miss him, the sadness appeared again. 

SR - Jan, there is a big difference between sadness and depression. You love Murray as a mother and the mother in you will always want him physically in your life for all he would have brought, a wife, children, family celebrations, help around the garden, cooking together, laughter, and compassion as you grow older. It is the loss of all that that switches on your sadness, and that is perfectly understandable and may last a lifetime. We don’t know that yet because your life isn’t over. Who knows, Murray may have an exciting journey to take you on with his love that has now been released. We need to remain open to that. For now, embrace the sadness. It is no longer pain and depression. Pain and depression are the part of grief that is the thief. They steal your life, your time, the time you could be enjoying. 

Me - I see that. Thank you. 

SR - Though you had an enlightened moment last night, it is the beginning. It is the opening to more. Keep that in mind. Try not to pin all hopes that the sadness is behind you. As we said the other day, you are healed but there will be bumps in the road. Last night provided you with more light and I truly believe there is even more light to come. It is this light that will release your bravery to live the life you, Murray, Iona, and Lewis deserve. All will be well and beautiful, my friend. I am always here for you. 

Me - Thank you. I feel blessed to have found you, Sylvia-Rose. 

SR - On you go now with the rest of your day. Thank you for 

coming along and sharing this magic moment. You are very lucky to be connected to amazing people. 

Me - I know. I feel surrounded by true love. Bye. See you soon. It is nearly Christmas. This will be Christmas number three with Murray physically no longer with us. 

SR - We will talk more. Stay blessed, my friend. Stay blessed.