SR - Hey. Good morning. The sun has got its hat on!
Jan - It does. There is some lovely warmth coming from it.
 
SR - How was your mini adventure? I am dying to know what you got up to.
Jan - Easter is always a family event for me. I was unable to be with my children as they had other plans. I had a pull in my heart to spend Easter Sunday, with Murray, by his tree. As a family tradition, he was made to support Dundee Football Club, it is a generational family thing 😃 And rabbits have been nibbling at the bark on his tree. Murray always loved it when I would knit something for him, I thought I would knit him a rabbit-protecting scarf in Dundee colours for Easter 😂
 
SR - That sounds fun. How did it make you feel?
Jan - I felt needed by him again. That made it feel normal, it isn’t normal and I am sure there is a better word but I mean because I felt needed by my son. I took one of my beach chairs, our Easter egg, and some lunch plus my knitting. I didn’t care what people thought. I did get some odd looks and some inquisitive smiles from passers-by. You could see they were dying to ask what I was doing. It looks very smart. I could feel his joy as I had finished it and put it in place. He would be laughing at me but grateful all the same.
 
SR - Sounds great. I am also gathering he had quite a sense of humour.
Jan - He did. It has always brought me joy knowing my children love me to knit things for them. I have always done it. My mum did it for me and all our family. Plus the grandchildren. She was fast!!! It was ten years yesterday since she died. It felt beautiful to celebrate Mum’s passing. We are all very proud to have come from her. Murray’s passing anniversary is very different. It will be three years this year, just seven years before we are saying it has been ten years.
 
SR - I sense sadness and apprehension from you.
Jan - Yes. I don’t want to imagine that just now. After I had finished his Easter knitting and his Easter egg, I headed off on my next adventure. It was time to push my boundaries. I often crave to be alone in wide open spaces and to be where it is naturally dark at night! No street lights.
 
SR - Is this the adventurous part?
Jan - It is 😃 I found a remote place in the hills near an old lead mining place. It was a little spooky. I parked the car by a small river and set up camp. I thought I would feel more nervous. I also thought I would do some writing but I decided to be in the moment instead. There is something very special about this kind of time alone. It isn’t lonely. Anyway, I had Murray in my heart and his teddy, snowy to keep me company. I talk to both of them! 😂
 
 
SR - How was the weather? We are in Scotland after all!
Jan - It had been quite nice all day and in the evening I got to sit out and eat my dinner by the Brook. Then a dark cloud came over. I didn’t think rain had been forecast.
 
SR - Like i said, this is Scotland!
Jan - Exactly. One or two drops landed on me so I decided there was only one winner and it wasn’t going to be me! I put everything in the car just in time and then down it came, relentless! Occasionally stopping while I nipped out for a pee and to do my teeth! Then I snuggled up with my book. Well, I snuggled up after I moved the car away from the river!
 
SR - Good. We wouldn’t want your adventure to involve you floating down the river in your car!
Jan - No. that wouldn’t have been good. That would have scared me! It was still raining in the morning, so I headed home to bring in the day of Mum’s anniversary. A strange thing happened on the way home.
 
SR - In what way?
Jan - In my head. I wasn’t expecting it. As I drove back home, once our mini adventure was over, I felt I was returning to my life without Murray. This is a little nuts because I consciously know what has happened and I don’t consciously deny it. My brain started to feel heavy and aching. Not my heart, my brain. It wasn’t a headache, it was a heaviness. A sadness in my head. I remember in the early days of losing Murray, my brain felt out of sync. That was how it felt again. As though it still hadn’t fully caught up. There is a saying about ‘getting your head around something’. I used to believe that was about thinking about it rationally but now, I think it is about the brain itself. Perhaps after being ‘with’ Murray and feeling useful to him, feeling like his mum again, my brain just went to where it felt most natural. As I drove away, it started to feel like it needed to readjust again. I can’t think of another way of describing this.
 
SR - I think I understand that. Being a mum is a natural thing for a woman, most women, and the brain must be wired for that. Perhaps your brain rewired itself once more while you were there. Maybe, because your experience was a physical one, it came naturally to your brain. I don’t know, I am just trying to ‘get my head around it’.
Jan - Yeah. I guess as I drove home I was coming to a place where my brain has started to rewire itself to this new, emerging chapter of my life.
 
SR - And this new version of being a mother to the spirit of your child. You are always a mother. This now doesn’t only make you Lewis and Iona’s mother. They still all three need you. They need you to be happy.
Jan - And I am Happy. I didn’t think that was possible but it is and I am. It is a different kind of happy. Deeper. Calmer. More peaceful. I guess some of that comes with age too but I feel more connected to life than ever before.
 
SR - That is exciting. There is a lot you can do with your life from that point. There is strength in that.
Jan - I believe there is. When I came home, I arranged another mini adventure. Another night snuggled up in my car and two days of walking with new people. I haven’t met them yet but I know we will laugh and feel alive.
 
SR - Hopefully, not with sore feet.
Jan - Hopefully not 🤞🏻I better get back. This beautiful weather is going to be a little distracting today. I have Happiness work to do though.
 
SR - You go and embrace the day and all it holds for you. Now get your butt off me so I can basque in the sun 🌞
Jan - Ha ha! Enjoy your lazy day. See you soon.
 
SR - I look forward to it. X
 
YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE NEXT CONVERSATION - Feeling joy after the loss of a loved one, is it possible?- HERE